Daddy Issues

I don't know if I will mourn you when you die. I can only hope that I would have found the peace of mind to have forgiven you before your death. Your sort of people tend to live a long life so I suppose I still have time to come to terms with who you were in my life. I still cannot imagine that I would have spoken to you before then or that I'll ever speak to you now. It has cost me too much when I cut you out of my life only after you abruptly ran out of mine. My walls are up; any breach in that wall could cause it to tumble down. You are not WORTHY of that!

I'd rather not risk it. I refuse to visit a place where I am not wanted. Nor will I ever crawl back to a man who should've come running after me.

I don't know what it's like to be "daddy's little girl." You were never there for me nor have you ever been. You were supposed to be. I was YOUR child! Your first born, your only girl (at the time). Your offspring. A better version of you. Only, I have, much to my detriment, realized I am a lot like you. Disloyal, cheating, selfish, egotistical, hard on my Mom, abusive,drowning in my own self loathing piece of shit. Unworthy of REAL unrequited love. 

That's probably why at 45 years old that I never married or had children. I don't feel worthy enough to be someone's wife or mother. I am too broken. 

You are truly one sick human being. Thank you for fucking with my self confidence, my worth, and my heart. It is not easy to trust. I have blamed Mom for a lot that was YOUR bullshit! But you know what, even though she and I aren't perfect, SHE STUCK AROUND AND GAVE ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE; even though I hardly deserve it.

You were supposed to have learned from your mistakes with my brothers. Instead, you created another life with the mistress. I could only hope that my half-sister would have changed you. Not surprisingly, you are still a piece of shit, deadbeat, alcoholic, abuser. Some leopards never change their spots.

I can only hope that should you ever truly read how I feel that you'll die with regret. You gave up therefore I give up.

May God have mercy on you when you take your last breath. I won't. Damn you for making me shed one tear. Damn you.

eM