Daddy Issues

I don't know if I will mourn you when you die. I can only hope that I would have found the peace of mind to have forgiven you before your death. Your sort of people tend to live a long life so I suppose I still have time to come to terms with who you were in my life. I still cannot imagine that I would have spoken to you before then or that I'll ever speak to you now. It has cost me too much when I cut you out of my life only after you abruptly ran out of mine. My walls are up; any breach in that wall could cause it to tumble down. You are not WORTHY of that!

I'd rather not risk it. I refuse to visit a place where I am not wanted. Nor will I ever crawl back to a man who should've come running after me.

I don't know what it's like to be "daddy's little girl." You were never there for me nor have you ever been. You were supposed to be. I was YOUR child! Your first born, your only girl (at the time). Your offspring. A better version of you. Only, I have, much to my detriment, realized I am a lot like you. Disloyal, cheating, selfish, egotistical, hard on my Mom, abusive,drowning in my own self loathing piece of shit. Unworthy of REAL unrequited love. 

That's probably why at 45 years old that I never married or had children. I don't feel worthy enough to be someone's wife or mother. I am too broken. 

You are truly one sick human being. Thank you for fucking with my self confidence, my worth, and my heart. It is not easy to trust. I have blamed Mom for a lot that was YOUR bullshit! But you know what, even though she and I aren't perfect, SHE STUCK AROUND AND GAVE ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE; even though I hardly deserve it.

You were supposed to have learned from your mistakes with my brothers. Instead, you created another life with the mistress. I could only hope that my half-sister would have changed you. Not surprisingly, you are still a piece of shit, deadbeat, alcoholic, abuser. Some leopards never change their spots.

I can only hope that should you ever truly read how I feel that you'll die with regret. You gave up therefore I give up.

May God have mercy on you when you take your last breath. I won't. Damn you for making me shed one tear. Damn you.

eM

2020 thus far has been one of many lessons. Three months in and so much loss; or was it? They say "one should learn their lesson" but really how many lessons can be learned when you open your mind and heart? Sometimes, the loss is worth the hurt and sometimes the lesson is necessary.

It's been yearrrrrrrsssss since I last updated my blog. Time has literally gone by so fast. Although matters of the heart make it seem like an eternity. I am one to write. My thoughts. My feelings. My opinions, My views....hence my blog site title. But, other times, I just want to crawl into a space and be left the fuck alone!

The last few years have been rough personally. I lost my job, then my apt. I met this awesome human being whom I pushed away when it all came crumbling down. More on that later.....

I find myself typing this on my OG laptop that is still heavy and bulky and still going strong! It truly is one of my longest relationships. It sits atop the kitchen table in my mom's place (again) where I've been the last 2 1/2 years.

Trust me, this was not my choice but life SUCKS sometimes and it's SUCKED the last 2 years! I went back to retail after a looong hiatus (15 years) and it was ok. More than ok actually; it was FUN! Never repeating the same day twice, nor hours. Meeting different people. Throwing myself into fashion which by some sense is a tad hypocritical since I am a lifelong tomboy at heart! But, there I was..."Are you doing ok? Did you see our $5 jewelry Those pants look awesome on you!" Blah, blah, blah! I made a tad over minimum wage and worked like a fucking machine....everyday...every week...sometimes for 7 days straight! Great staff, though juvenile and still VERY wet behind the ears. Nevertheless, it felt great to be in charge, leading the way while training, always training to be the BEST! There is no second place; there is only FIRST!

Yeah, the politics of the bastard sperm donor whom I sometimes ALWAYS revert my bullshit back to! 

Anyhow, that came to a crashing end a few short days ago when the "boss" abruptly put my integrity into question. One thing I don't take kindly are threats nor stupidity. FUCK HER....I quit. Granted, it would have been nicer, or shall I say it WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER to have had a backup plan....but nope! Fuck it, fuck her, fuck her company....NOT WORTH MY STRESS any longer! 

So now I find myself at a crossroad....what the hell do I want to do? DO I go back to the legal field where the SAME exact bullshit is exactly where I left it 1 year ago?? Do I get back into the City knowing the politics of seniority still rings true? Or do I just stay in school and find someone to take care of me...finally. Or do I just say "I'm DONE!." This life hasn't always been kind to me.

Who knows what tomorrow brings, but I don't know that I care to see.

eM