Happy 7 to E&M!

Today marks the 7th anniversary day of the day I met the man who would change me internally. I didn't know it then but this guy would turn my world upside down all the while making it better as time went on. It began at the front door of a then friend's house. I rang the door bell, he opened it, and we stood there for a moment taking each other in. I asked for my friend, he asked who I was, I replied, "Marlene." He said, "oh I heard ALL about you. So you're the infamous Marlene." First thought...HOT, second thought...pompous/arrogant, third thought...."I hate this guy."


As time went on, we hung out more and more and he began to grow on me. The more we talked and hung out, the hotter he got, the more aggressive he was, and the more I fell deeper and deeper without knowing it. However, I really think I knew it then but since I was dealing with the aftermath of a breakup (which I THANK GOD FOR EVERYDAY), I was too self-absorbed in my world of heartache, anger, and revenge to think about anything else nevertheless anyONE else. So I threw aside all emotions and acted on impulse. I began the downward spiral of our friendship though I didn't much care at the time for I merely took for granted that this "force" that surrounded me would always be there. I mean why wouldn't it right?


And it did...for 4 years straight. I couldn't have asked for a more LOYAL friend, more LOVING friend, more GIVING friend. A person who's day would light up as long as I was happy. There weren't too many of those days back then. I was NOT a great friend to him emotionally. I was a big mouth with no care in the world needless to say his feelings didn't matter much to me then either. I truly was walking the fine line of our friendship and completely took him for granted. The thing is I knew it then, I know it now. But back then, since I wasn't emotionally at the same place he was, I didn't care. I mean I did care but I didn't care. It was a straight paradox.


So we went on doing the same old thing until one day, I made a HUGE mistake. I'd rather not get into what I did but I can say it was HUGE and boy did it put a blow to our friendship. The trust went out the door, the loyalty remained, somewhat, and the love began to lessen and lessen YET still, he stood by me through and through and YET still, I acted like an ass. I can truly say I didn't deserve his friendship, his kindness, his heart, none of it. I didn't deserve him! That's putting it kindly. But like they say in that song, "It's a Thin Line Between Love and Hate." The sweetest man in the world turned into something completely different. I didn't know it then but my HEART was about to get a lessen in love, the HARD WAY! What went around came back around to crack me in two!


Over time, attraction turned into friendship, friendship turned into care, care turned into butterflies, butterflies turned into LOVE! It hit me like a brick. Some say I felt that way all along although I didn't know it; or maybe I did and ignored it. Regardless, I took him for granted and mistreated him and his feelings for me, and one day it just stopped. He told me he'd move on and I said he should.
He did. Heartache. He gave me ONE more chance 2 1/2 years ago and asked me, "if we should try dating." In the moment, I said, "no." I felt vulnerable and I had never felt that way. I said, "NO." God if only I could turn back the hands of time.


I went back and read my journals and confirmed what I knew all along, I loved him. I did. I knew it. I know it. They knew it. They saw it. He didn't. I made sure of that. So without knowing so, or maybe I did, I pushed him, and pushed him, and pushed him until he finally backed off. Then it was too late. I had lost. My best friend was gone. I tried to tell him over and over how sorry I was, how I had loved him all along, how I knew I had taken him for granted, how I knew that he was the ONE, how I knew because my Grandma had told me so. How I knew because my Aunti had told me so. How I knew because my Momma had told me so. HE HAD TOLD ME SO!


There is no going back. I know, I tried. There aren't enough words to say to apologize. I know, I've tried. There aren't enough unspoken words through actions to be done, I know I've tried, there isn't enough time to heal broken wounds nor a road that leads back to where we were; I know I've tried. So, instead I turn to God and thank him for the wonderful thing he has both given and taken from me. LOVE. As cheesy as it sounds. E+M = some of the best times in my life. If I take anything from him and this experience it's this: Becareful what you wish for because God gives you some of the greatest things at the right time and if you blink, you may just miss it.


So to my E...I want to say THANK YOU for being the man you were to me all those years. Words could never express how much you truly meant to me then and now. All I can say is I am truly sorry I jumped in with my eyes closed and spoke up when it was too late. I'm sorry for all the grief, heartache, and patience I've tested. I'm sorry I didn't trust you enough to give you my heart. I'm sorry for failing you and us. I'm sorry for holding my breath.

THANK YOU FOR 7 of the best years of my life. I take all the smiles, all the frowns, all the laughter, all the tears, all the love, all the bitterness, all the friendship, all the estrangement with me. I will never forget you and you will never be too far in my thoughts. I wish you nothing but the best life has to offer because you are truly a gem. They say "diamonds are a girl's best friend" and you were.

I loved you then, I love you still, always have, always will!

Em*