COVID-19.....UGHHHH!

********(Picture not owned by me) Artist name on picture********

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW??????  I MEAN COME ON!!!
This quarantine for a homebody like myself is great! However, if done ALONE! I am so anti-social......kinda. I mean if I want to be out I will, but for the most part, I AM a definite introvert.

Don't have much else to say on the topic; just BE SAFE! WASH YOUR HANDS! STAY 6 FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. WEAR A MASK IF YOU'RE OUTSIDE, AND PLEASE PLEASE COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGH OR SNEEZE. ALSO, IF YOU ARE SICK, STAY AWAY FROM EVERYONE AND QUARANTINE YOURSELF.

SAY A PRAYER FOR YOURSELF AND OTHERS!

Take care guys.

eM

Daddy Issues

I don't know if I will mourn you when you die. I can only hope that I would have found the peace of mind to have forgiven you before your death. Your sort of people tend to live a long life so I suppose I still have time to come to terms with who you were in my life. I still cannot imagine that I would have spoken to you before then or that I'll ever speak to you now. It has cost me too much when I cut you out of my life only after you abruptly ran out of mine. My walls are up; any breach in that wall could cause it to tumble down. You are not WORTHY of that!

I'd rather not risk it. I refuse to visit a place where I am not wanted. Nor will I ever crawl back to a man who should've come running after me.

I don't know what it's like to be "daddy's little girl." You were never there for me nor have you ever been. You were supposed to be. I was YOUR child! Your first born, your only girl (at the time). Your offspring. A better version of you. Only, I have, much to my detriment, realized I am a lot like you. Disloyal, cheating, selfish, egotistical, hard on my Mom, abusive,drowning in my own self loathing piece of shit. Unworthy of REAL unrequited love. 

That's probably why at 45 years old that I never married or had children. I don't feel worthy enough to be someone's wife or mother. I am too broken. 

You are truly one sick human being. Thank you for fucking with my self confidence, my worth, and my heart. It is not easy to trust. I have blamed Mom for a lot that was YOUR bullshit! But you know what, even though she and I aren't perfect, SHE STUCK AROUND AND GAVE ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE; even though I hardly deserve it.

You were supposed to have learned from your mistakes with my brothers. Instead, you created another life with the mistress. I could only hope that my half-sister would have changed you. Not surprisingly, you are still a piece of shit, deadbeat, alcoholic, abuser. Some leopards never change their spots.

I can only hope that should you ever truly read how I feel that you'll die with regret. You gave up therefore I give up.

May God have mercy on you when you take your last breath. I won't. Damn you for making me shed one tear. Damn you.

eM

2020 thus far has been one of many lessons. Three months in and so much loss; or was it? They say "one should learn their lesson" but really how many lessons can be learned when you open your mind and heart? Sometimes, the loss is worth the hurt and sometimes the lesson is necessary.

It's been yearrrrrrrsssss since I last updated my blog. Time has literally gone by so fast. Although matters of the heart make it seem like an eternity. I am one to write. My thoughts. My feelings. My opinions, My views....hence my blog site title. But, other times, I just want to crawl into a space and be left the fuck alone!

The last few years have been rough personally. I lost my job, then my apt. I met this awesome human being whom I pushed away when it all came crumbling down. More on that later.....

I find myself typing this on my OG laptop that is still heavy and bulky and still going strong! It truly is one of my longest relationships. It sits atop the kitchen table in my mom's place (again) where I've been the last 2 1/2 years.

Trust me, this was not my choice but life SUCKS sometimes and it's SUCKED the last 2 years! I went back to retail after a looong hiatus (15 years) and it was ok. More than ok actually; it was FUN! Never repeating the same day twice, nor hours. Meeting different people. Throwing myself into fashion which by some sense is a tad hypocritical since I am a lifelong tomboy at heart! But, there I was..."Are you doing ok? Did you see our $5 jewelry Those pants look awesome on you!" Blah, blah, blah! I made a tad over minimum wage and worked like a fucking machine....everyday...every week...sometimes for 7 days straight! Great staff, though juvenile and still VERY wet behind the ears. Nevertheless, it felt great to be in charge, leading the way while training, always training to be the BEST! There is no second place; there is only FIRST!

Yeah, the politics of the bastard sperm donor whom I sometimes ALWAYS revert my bullshit back to! 

Anyhow, that came to a crashing end a few short days ago when the "boss" abruptly put my integrity into question. One thing I don't take kindly are threats nor stupidity. FUCK HER....I quit. Granted, it would have been nicer, or shall I say it WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER to have had a backup plan....but nope! Fuck it, fuck her, fuck her company....NOT WORTH MY STRESS any longer! 

So now I find myself at a crossroad....what the hell do I want to do? DO I go back to the legal field where the SAME exact bullshit is exactly where I left it 1 year ago?? Do I get back into the City knowing the politics of seniority still rings true? Or do I just stay in school and find someone to take care of me...finally. Or do I just say "I'm DONE!." This life hasn't always been kind to me.

Who knows what tomorrow brings, but I don't know that I care to see.

eM

Happy Birthday Ms. Monroe!

Pondering.....

May 2nd..........damn. This year has been going by SO fast that I can barely keep up. Same shit, new day. BUT I am def further than I was a year ago, and furthest from where I was two years ago. So. as I creep closer and closer to that BIG birthday, I find myself at a crossroad. Some days, I just want to crawl up in a hole and hide for the shame I feel that I have not accomplished one personal goal of mine that I set years back.....on other days I am MORE than happy for whom I've become and what I've accomplished thus far. I am NOT a rock, far from it, BUT I am not a cookie either, easy to crumble. I am just me and I have come to realize that THAT is more than enough and if it's not, then FUCK YOU, you are not worth my time.
I have so much to be thankful for yet remain selfish because I want more! Personal wants, professional wants....something for just ME. Is that too much to ask for?! Oh well, I want it. There I said it. I want HIM. I want that. I want those. I want this. There I said it. I

I want to be somewhere lying on a beach, no worries, no stresses, just me and him feeding off each other. Beautiful sunrise/sunset, ocean waves crashing, sun kissing my hair, and his hand on my face while whispering, "we're really here, we're back."
Damn, this heat has me trippin'.....keep it thug..no tears here.
Just 100....that is all for now.....
*eM

"Haunted"

"It's what you do, it's what you see,
I know if I'm haunting you, you must be haunting me
Oh well, reap what you sew....motherfucker."

Ooh, shame on my wicked tongue.....

*eM

Happy Birthday To the One That Got Away.....

I had something dropped off for you on your special day. Had I been a bit more ballsy, Iwould have walked it in myself. Yet I settled for sitting outside while the delivery was made. I wondered what your face looked like when you saw it. Did you notice my writing? Did you smile even if for a split second? Did you immediately rip open the card or stare at it for awhile pondering what I could possibly say?

Did you enjoy it? Did you share it with your co-workers? Did you throw it away? Who knows...who will ever know.

Happy Birthday to the only man I've ever truly loved.

To the only person I called my "best friend."

A Prayer....

"Lord if you hear me, you know that I’m coming to you sincerely, I need you near me, please feel me I’m sick and I need for you to heal me I’m lost and I’m looking for the real me, I’m tired and weary I haven’t been able to see things clearly and even though I know that you love me dearly I still get leery so where does that leave me? Lost and alone. Want to call God but it’s like I lost my phone everyday is a struggle as I juggle my problems need to let go and let God cus’ only he can solve em’. I’m tired of lying to myself thinking I can do it on my own but when I get left alone is when the Devil sneaks in, and creeps in, knocks on the door lightly, then peeks in and it’s usually around the weekend, that I get reckless and jump off the deep end

but keep your head to the sky......"

"Nutshell"

We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

Sigh...............

At 38, I find myself wondering....do I only want certain things because they are no longer within my near reach or have I always wanted them all along?

Guess I'll never know.

*eM

"You Lost Me...."

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won, now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And though we tried you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
And you'll regret it, but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

My Give a F**k Is Broken!

To say the last year and a half has "sucked" would be an understatement.  I managed to be exiled from the island I so cozy lived on. So many people have tired of me so much that they aren't only pushing me out of their lives, they are picking up chairs and throwing my ass out.  I feel like I have lost so much in such a short time YET gained so much in the long run.  As weird as that seems, I feel like I have gained a whole new perspective on my life and where I want to be.  As my 38th birthday nears the corner, I find myself single for the first time in a really long time and what makes it WORSE, is that it is all at the horrendous loss of my "soul mate;" more appropriately dubbed, MY BEST FRIEND.  I've also managed to piss off the only other person of equal importance, my Momma.  I have lost the closeness of my brothers' and maybe, just maybe that's my fault BUT I really am not going to sit here and take all the blame.  Fuck that. My world as I knew it has crumbled around me and I've taken to blocking out the rest of the world.  If I can't have those who I love the most, I want for no one.  A bit over-ambitious I know but it's true.  Work, home, work home, an occasional trip to the market, and back home. THAT has been my life in the past few months.  Sure after learning that it was possibly over for good with "e," I went out 3 times a week: drink, hang out, dance, act like I didn't have a care in the world BUT not once, not fucken one time did I ever even look at the opposite sex. Not once! It pist me off! I mean after all, isn't that the point people go out to the club, to the bars, is to hook up or at least play the game.  It's all part of this bullshit game.  I've done it SO many times throughout the years and have always been quite successful.  As my motto goes, "it's not that I can't find someone to love me, it's that I can't keep them from leaving me in spite of it."  Story of my life.  I've been a few people's "great love," hell even their "greatest conquest (at least one), but none had ever been the "one" to make it through all the barb wired walls surrounding my heart. None but THE one.  But I'm so tired of rehashing that subject. He wants another now so fuck him right? Wrong. I wish it were that easy. It's not at all.  Not even close. But that's neither near nor there anymore. I'm sure we'll revisit this broken record once again in a few days, possibly a few weeks.  The HOPE is to stop it altogether. I mean after all, how many times can the same story be written, right? 

"May the best of my today's be the worst of my tomorrow's; but I ain't even thinking that far." ~~Jay Z

*eM

"Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know"

Lyrics | Gotye lyrics - Somebody That I Used To Know lyrics

To you.....

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something I'd done
And I don't want to live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
I used to know, that I used to know, I used to know somebody

From Me.....

Cheers to the end of 2011.....

As this year creeps up to its final day, I have to ponder back on the good/bad that its brought me. I have to honestly say, it didn't exactly start off with a BANG! Or rather, maybe it did. All in one shot, I lost 2 things I treasured most but gained SO much more. I found some much need independence and found out a lot about myself. You would think that after 37 years, one would be pretty in tune with herself but you never truly know who you are until you're forced to look deep within. I have so many gifts to be thankful for and so many successes that when times are rough, I forget those things. It's a lot harder to put forward the bad and push the good to the back. I have found freedom in my own apt. I have found inner peace with what I deserve. I know my worth now. It may not mean much to many but it sure matters to a few. I have realized what limits I will allow myself to pushed too. I understand more in depth the true faces of a lot of people I valued. I also learned that no matter how many times someone claims they will never deceive you, never hurt you, never leave you behind; they will..........
Yes, I do have more to be grateful for than not, but I still suffer from my disappointments and heartaches and that's the truth. I still struggle with my inner demons and the workings of a little girl still trapped inside yearning for that one man to tell her everything will be ok. But I can say, from the other side of this laptop, that I am not unhappy. I'm just in neutral. My hope for 2012 is to find TRUE HAPPINESS whether in love or single, whether lonely or fulfilled, whether surrounded by a ton of loyal friends, or one. I hope to rekindle with a part of me I haven't seen in awhile. I also hope that some of my heartaches will ease as I know that tomorrow is never promised to any of us and it's a waste of time to continue giving someone/something else so much energy only to have NOTHING given in return. Today is December 26 and there are only 5 more days left in this year. Will I be spending New Year's Eve alone again this time around? Probably, but I'm at least "ok" with it this year. Much love to those missing from my puzzle and sincere happiness and luck to those who choose to disconnect. I love you the same.

*M.

100 Day Photo Challenge!

So I thought this would be something fun to participate in and also have a documented journey of things in actual time for the next hundred days. You too can try it at anytime!

Wish me luck!

Make an album saying 100 day photo challenge

1)A picture of you taken today

2)Your favorite movie ever

3)Picture of your screensaver

4)Something that makes you so happy

5)A childhood photo

6)Favorite candy

7)Picture of your room

8)Your last facebook post

9)Favorite piece of jewlery you own

10)Picture of you in a yoga stance

11)Picture of your phone

12)Something you own with polka dots on it

13)Cutest tennie shoes you own

14)Picture of love

15)Something in your place/room you think is cool

16)Something you can't live without

17)Picture of your closet in its current state

18)Picture of you & your best friend

19)Favorite jacket

20)A game you own

21)Picture of something from your childhood

22)Picture of your craziest hairstyle

23)Something you bought at the 99 cents store

24)CD you could listen to on repeat

25)Picture of you and a family member today

26)Someone you could never picture your life without

27)Picture of something you see en route to work everyday

28)Pic of the cutest undies you own (keep it PG)

29)Picture of your iPod

30)A picture of you today

31)Something you own from the 90's

32)Professional picture taken of you

33)Something embarassing in your room

34)Favorite sports team.

35)A shot of you at work

36)Favorite gift you have received from a friend

37)Favorite gift you have received from a family member

38)An animal dressed in a costume

39)Something yellow

40)Favorite beer

41)Picture of something you ate today

42)Something you did this weekend or last weekend

43)Picture of you at a theme park

44)Snapshot of you and your buddies

45)Snapshot of you holding an animal who is not yours

46)What you watched on tv today

47)Last website you visited

48)Shirt you wore today

49)Pic of you in funky/cute socks

50)Picture of you celebrating for getting this far

51)Your fav t-shirt

52)Favorite heels

53)Something you own that would surprise people

54)Most valued concert ticket stub

55)Love of your life

56)Someone you miss

57)Last book you read and FINISHED

58)Hobby you are currently working on

59)Something you collect that would surprise people

60)Your favorite flavor of gum

61)Picture of something "odd" in your refrigerator right now

62)Snapshot outside your front door

63)Picture of something that pains you

64)Picture of your bedroom in its current state

65)Picture of your lips with favorite lipstick/lipbalm (include lipstick/lipbalm in pic)

66)Snapshot of the sky at noon

67)Someone you wish you could trade places with for a least a day

68)Snapshot of you in a public restroom

69)You right before bed

70)Person you can always talk to

71)Something you do every day

72)Something red

73)Snapshot of you planking

74)Picture of your car in its current state (don't cheat)

75)Something that's within arm's reach of you

76)Favorite quote in your own handwriting

77)Something random in your wallet/purse

78)A picture of nephew/niece

79)Your soulmate

80)Someone who made you smile today

81)Quick, bust a RUN DMC pose

82)Favorite Disney movie you own

83)Quick snapshot while driving in car (preferrably while parked/stopped) CAUTIOUS

84)Picture of a storybook street

85)Take a picture of something "unique" at your workplace

86)Snapshot - underneath your bed

87)Snapshot of you first thing in the a.m. (no cheating)

88)Picture of last sent text message

89)Favorite picture of yourself

90)Pajamas you wore last night

91)Something you would never change for anything

92)A random item under your bathroom sink

93)Pic of the money in your wallet right now

94)Snapshot of the nearest food place within walking distance

95)Cassette you own (come on you know you own one)

96)An animal you own that anyone rarely sees

97)Picture of your front door

98)Shampoo in your shower right now

99)A guilty pleasure

100)I got 99 problems but a ___________!

We Found Love In A Hopeless Place

"It's like your screaming and no one can hear, you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you, and when it's over and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good."

"Love the Way You LIE...."

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie

Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Oohh, I love the way you lie, oohh

So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
'Til the walls are goin' up
In smoke with all our memories

This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
Smeared make-up as we lay in the wake of destruction
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me you're awfully sorry
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me
Then after that, show me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs
That we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky
Together, we move mountains, let's not make mountains out of molehills
You hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'
I may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count
But together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain
Our love is crazy, we're nuts, but I refused counsellin'
This house is too huge, if you move out I'll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it
With you I'm in my fucking mind, without you, I'm out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

"HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY COREY!"

Today is my little brother's 20th birthday. It seems like it came by soo fast and I look back and think, "where did the time go?" WOW, I cannot believe that he has grown so fast. He is one of 2 men in my life I look up to. Even though he is younger than me, I admire who he has become. I am such a proud sister today and everyday really but today because my little brother is a 20 year old, handsome, intelligent, respectful, and admirable man. I love him SOO much. I don't know what life would have been like without him and B, but I wouldn't give up anything to find that out either.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COREY! I hope you enjoy this day and I LOVE YOU!!!!

Tag Blog

INSTRUCTIONS:

a). Answer the following questions below; do a GOOGLE search for your answers by finding pictures (only choose a pic from the first search page response) that correspond to your answers. Use minimal words to explain your answer.

b). Tag up to 5 people to do the same once you've finished answering each question. Have fun and ENJOY!

1. What age will you be on your next birthday?


2. What place would you like to travel to?

PITTSBURGH, PA

3. What is your favorite place?


4. What is your favorite food?

Fettuccine Alfredo w/chicken (Mine or Macaroni Grill)

5. What is your favorite pet?

MY CAT!

6. What is your favorite color combination?

My Favorite Colors of course!

7. What is your favorite piece of clothing?

My Black Shady Limited Sweater

8. What is your favorite tv show?


9. What is the first name of your significant other?


10. What is the town name in which you live?


11. What was your first job?

Video Store Clerk

12. What is your dream job?

To Work In The Legal Field.

13. What is one bad habit you have?

Being too LOYAL to the DISLOYAL.

14. What is your worst fear?

Not To Find My Happily Ever After.

15. What is one thing you would like to do before you die?

Find "True Happiness" In A World So Blue.

Hope you enjoyed my answers. Your turn!

If You Should Return To Me, Then We Were Truly Meant To Be...

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands and watch you rise

Spread you wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be, so spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye (stand and say goodbye)
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly

So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Fly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly...........

*eM