To say the last year and a half has "sucked" would be an understatement. I managed to be exiled from the island I so cozy lived on. So many people have tired of me so much that they aren't only pushing me out of their lives, they are picking up chairs and throwing my ass out. I feel like I have lost so much in such a short time YET gained so much in the long run. As weird as that seems, I feel like I have gained a whole new perspective on my life and where I want to be. As my 38th birthday nears the corner, I find myself single for the first time in a really long time and what makes it WORSE, is that it is all at the horrendous loss of my "soul mate;" more appropriately dubbed, MY BEST FRIEND. I've also managed to piss off the only other person of equal importance, my Momma. I have lost the closeness of my brothers' and maybe, just maybe that's my fault BUT I really am not going to sit here and take all the blame. Fuck that. My world as I knew it has crumbled around me and I've taken to blocking out the rest of the world. If I can't have those who I love the most, I want for no one. A bit over-ambitious I know but it's true. Work, home, work home, an occasional trip to the market, and back home. THAT has been my life in the past few months. Sure after learning that it was possibly over for good with "e," I went out 3 times a week: drink, hang out, dance, act like I didn't have a care in the world BUT not once, not fucken one time did I ever even look at the opposite sex. Not once! It pist me off! I mean after all, isn't that the point people go out to the club, to the bars, is to hook up or at least play the game. It's all part of this bullshit game. I've done it SO many times throughout the years and have always been quite successful. As my motto goes, "it's not that I can't find someone to love me, it's that I can't keep them from leaving me in spite of it." Story of my life. I've been a few people's "great love," hell even their "greatest conquest (at least one), but none had ever been the "one" to make it through all the barb wired walls surrounding my heart. None but THE one. But I'm so tired of rehashing that subject. He wants another now so fuck him right? Wrong. I wish it were that easy. It's not at all. Not even close. But that's neither near nor there anymore. I'm sure we'll revisit this broken record once again in a few days, possibly a few weeks. The HOPE is to stop it altogether. I mean after all, how many times can the same story be written, right?
"May the best of my today's be the worst of my tomorrow's; but I ain't even thinking that far." ~~Jay Z
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