Happy Birthday To the One That Got Away.....

I had something dropped off for you on your special day. Had I been a bit more ballsy, Iwould have walked it in myself. Yet I settled for sitting outside while the delivery was made. I wondered what your face looked like when you saw it. Did you notice my writing? Did you smile even if for a split second? Did you immediately rip open the card or stare at it for awhile pondering what I could possibly say?

Did you enjoy it? Did you share it with your co-workers? Did you throw it away? Who knows...who will ever know.

Happy Birthday to the only man I've ever truly loved.

To the only person I called my "best friend."

A Prayer....

"Lord if you hear me, you know that I’m coming to you sincerely, I need you near me, please feel me I’m sick and I need for you to heal me I’m lost and I’m looking for the real me, I’m tired and weary I haven’t been able to see things clearly and even though I know that you love me dearly I still get leery so where does that leave me? Lost and alone. Want to call God but it’s like I lost my phone everyday is a struggle as I juggle my problems need to let go and let God cus’ only he can solve em’. I’m tired of lying to myself thinking I can do it on my own but when I get left alone is when the Devil sneaks in, and creeps in, knocks on the door lightly, then peeks in and it’s usually around the weekend, that I get reckless and jump off the deep end

but keep your head to the sky......"

"Nutshell"

We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

Sigh...............

At 38, I find myself wondering....do I only want certain things because they are no longer within my near reach or have I always wanted them all along?

Guess I'll never know.

*eM

"You Lost Me...."

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won, now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And though we tried you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
And you'll regret it, but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

My Give a F**k Is Broken!

To say the last year and a half has "sucked" would be an understatement.  I managed to be exiled from the island I so cozy lived on. So many people have tired of me so much that they aren't only pushing me out of their lives, they are picking up chairs and throwing my ass out.  I feel like I have lost so much in such a short time YET gained so much in the long run.  As weird as that seems, I feel like I have gained a whole new perspective on my life and where I want to be.  As my 38th birthday nears the corner, I find myself single for the first time in a really long time and what makes it WORSE, is that it is all at the horrendous loss of my "soul mate;" more appropriately dubbed, MY BEST FRIEND.  I've also managed to piss off the only other person of equal importance, my Momma.  I have lost the closeness of my brothers' and maybe, just maybe that's my fault BUT I really am not going to sit here and take all the blame.  Fuck that. My world as I knew it has crumbled around me and I've taken to blocking out the rest of the world.  If I can't have those who I love the most, I want for no one.  A bit over-ambitious I know but it's true.  Work, home, work home, an occasional trip to the market, and back home. THAT has been my life in the past few months.  Sure after learning that it was possibly over for good with "e," I went out 3 times a week: drink, hang out, dance, act like I didn't have a care in the world BUT not once, not fucken one time did I ever even look at the opposite sex. Not once! It pist me off! I mean after all, isn't that the point people go out to the club, to the bars, is to hook up or at least play the game.  It's all part of this bullshit game.  I've done it SO many times throughout the years and have always been quite successful.  As my motto goes, "it's not that I can't find someone to love me, it's that I can't keep them from leaving me in spite of it."  Story of my life.  I've been a few people's "great love," hell even their "greatest conquest (at least one), but none had ever been the "one" to make it through all the barb wired walls surrounding my heart. None but THE one.  But I'm so tired of rehashing that subject. He wants another now so fuck him right? Wrong. I wish it were that easy. It's not at all.  Not even close. But that's neither near nor there anymore. I'm sure we'll revisit this broken record once again in a few days, possibly a few weeks.  The HOPE is to stop it altogether. I mean after all, how many times can the same story be written, right? 

"May the best of my today's be the worst of my tomorrow's; but I ain't even thinking that far." ~~Jay Z

*eM

"Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know"

Lyrics | Gotye lyrics - Somebody That I Used To Know lyrics

To you.....

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something I'd done
And I don't want to live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
I used to know, that I used to know, I used to know somebody

From Me.....