Over the Past....

It's crazy to run into your past because you expect all of these emotions to come forth and readily prepare yourself to run. Yet that SO did not happen to me when I ran into my past last week. I felt no butterflies (in a bad way), no jitters, no shortness of breath, nothing. That was before I even entered the building. Now granted, I didn't know for sure that the past would even appear but I was prepared for it regardless. Once I was in the presence of the past, I can't even explain the emotions I felt. I guess if I had to sum it up in one word it would be NOTHING! Absolutely nothing. I mean I was a bit surprised that I truly felt nothing. In the midst of all that nothingness, I can't say that the "past" took it the same way. HAHAHAHAHA, karma always comes back around to bite you in the ASS. I feel nothing for the past but I am grateful to have experienced it. I learned that there were certain things I do not want to ever feel again and I also learned that love doesn't hurt! Not true love. So thank you the "past" for without you, I could never have been as strong as I am now and I never would have met a MAN that would change my life and prove that GOD does make the perfect mate for you. On the other hand, kiss my ass because all you'll ever have are the memories I left behind. On to the future......
M*

I write today not from a very happy place. The thing is, I think, no I KNOW that my spirit has been broken. It's not one simple thing; it's an accumulation of things. My world feels as though the walls are tumbling in on me and though I KNOW I should be grateful for the health and safety of my family, which is obviously the MOST important thing, I can't help but feel a little selfish at the same time because while the aforementioned is GREAT, my own personal self is not. As time goes on, I trust less and less people and I'm beginning to believe without a doubt that most people are users, liars, and "untrue." It baffles me how life is at times. Even as I sit here typing, I find it quite hard to voice my thoughts and speak directly from the heart because I know that most people won't even look at this blog. But for those who do, sometimes things aren't as they seem. Just because it seems like I am "ok" doesn't mean I am. Maybe instead of judging me, ask me how I am doing. I love being the giver but I'm tired of people taking from me. I know, sounds like an oxymoron but that's the only way to describe it. I will hopefully get over this feeling but until I do, I remain broken spirited.
M.

The way we were.......

It's crazy how two people who were tight as can be can be so separated. I mean I see him everyday, I mean everyday YET it seems like I don't see him at all. Or maybe it's that he doesn't see me. Am I really invisible? I know, I'll admit that when all of this began, I never thought I'd be sitting here 6 years later typing any of this. But here I am. In the beginning, we went out every weekend. I mean every weekend. The beach, Ontario Malls, Hollywood, clubs, bars (wow bars), karaoke bars, malls, movies, concerts, Vegas, San Diego, game night, etc.. To go from ALL of that to not a god damn thing is ridiculous. I mean we are talking about someone who I could call on a dime and would be there. Someone who I could mention something to just once and who would remember when I asked him to. I don't know what went wrong. Actually, I do. But that was many moons ago and there was no commitment between us. However, to be fair, there was an understanding and I suppose I may have broken that trust. He tells me now that there is no going back once that's been broken and I think otherwise. When two people are in a marriage and someone is untruthful, I understand the bond that is broken, the trust value breaks down. When two people are in a dating relationship, I also understand because there certain rules that are agreed upon but I just don't think that I did something SO bad that it's too much to come back from. All I know is that in the end, I truly miss the friendship we once had. Above all, I miss my best friend, my confidante, my road dawg (if you will). I am in love with my best friend (or what was left of him) but I honestly cannot wait for the day when I can truly say I am over it. Not that I want to be but he has made it a point to let me know HE truly is. Until then, this is my solace. Thank you for many great years E! I only wish they hadn't ended in vain. I also want to let you know that my one moment of untruthfulness wasn't worth all that has happened. I suppose I have a hand in the man you are now. I only hope that you change that for the next woman who you let in as we (women) are not all the same as I know all of you (men) are not either. Wish me luck...time to turn the page and write the next chapter in this book called "My Life". However, we may visit this topic a few more times. Sorry.
<3
Your Dawg, Homie, Em & Pookie

You Have To Know You're Worth It!

"Find a guy who calls you "beautiful" instead of HOT...

The guy who calls you back when you hang up on him...

The one who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat...

Or the guy who will stay awake just to watch you sleep...

The one who realizes what you've given up for him...

The guy who doesn't say "I think you've annoyed me all along"...

The One who says because of you, I am a better person...

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead and wants to show you off to the world when you are in track pants...

The one who's not afraid to show his affection for you in front of his friends...

The guy who tells you that you are just as pretty without makeup as you are with it...

The one who constantly reminds you how lucky "he" is to have found you...

The guy who smiles when he sees you and frowns when you are away...

The one who says "thank you" for doing my errons...

Wait for the guy who'd rather spend time with you rather than with his PS3...

Who knows your his "best friend" and confides in YOU...

The guy who says "always" when you ask him to go out...

The "man" who doesn't mind that you watch more football then him...

The guy who doesn't mistake your kindness for weakness...

The one who isn't too proud to realize that you are a great catch...

The guy who notices when you cry and asks what he can do rather than saying "stop being so dramatic"...

The "man" who'd much rather hug you than slap your ass each time you walk by...

The guy who accepts you "flaws and all" because he sees the potential in them...

The guy who isn't a guy but a "MAN"...

The "one" who doesn't have to give you a label, but instead turns to his friends/family

and says, "that's her!"

Butterfly Kiss <3

BOY LOVED GIRL, she loved somebody else.
GIRL LOVES BOY...he's moved on.

Why does everything I do never seem to be enough? I sit here now and still stand by my decision to NOT jump into anything with anyone else right away. After having dating one of the biggest MORONS I've ever met for 6 yrs, I didn't want to mistake a "great guy" as a rebound. SO I didn't, I waited..exactly 4 years. I always knew in the back of my mind that what I had was great YET I still approached it cautiously. Now I am paying for it. There are days when I am great then there are times like now when it all hits home. I am not fine with the situation nor the facade I am putting on for "him." Everybody else sees it and he does too but I truly without a doubt need to let it go. Friendship isn't enough and though I have many days/weeks where I am okay with just that, in the end I am not. I know I want more, he knows I want more but I wind up with nothing. I deserve more..I deserve better. I know he doesn't act out in a malicious way but that's how I feel. I know what I need to do so I better get a jump on it soon. I just hope he knows what he's done and why I need to do what I need to do. It sucks to love someone and not have it reciprocated. But then again, "what goes around comes around." I thought I had made amends but it seems as though I am mistaken. The weird thing is I believe I loved him all along but I was just too scared to admit it. I guess I should get use to the idea that it's not going to happen.

I'd be happy with just one "butterfly kiss." Oh well, time to wake up and realize that love isn't a fairytale.....

I Love My Hater(s).....

To My Hater(s):

I keep it real and that's a promise

I may be a Bitch but atleast I'm honest

When I walk by you

go ahead, stop and stare

Keep on looking because

I simply don't care

I have my own life and my own style

I'm not here to please you or make you smile

When it comes to competition

you sure as HELL aren't mine

SO shut your hating ass up

because you're walking a fine line!

If you're reading this

KNOW that I'm talking about YOU...

just turn and walk away now

and keep me out of your mouth cause'

I'm not a dick you hating ass trick!

(this is to someone who should realize that's its been 2 years) GET OVER IT!!!

M.

p.s. If you're reading this momma, sorry but I said I'd keep it REAL on my blog! This is only the beginning! (You know who this trick is too; if not ask me and I'll remind you)

A Marilyn or A Jackie...

For so long I have dabbled with this whole, "which are you, a Marilyn or a Jackie?" I think I finally have come to the realization that maybe, just maybe I am a combination of both. I have for reference sake, always wanted to be looked at as a Jackie but I think in hindsight, I've been dubbed a "Marilyn" in many ways. I am judged upon because of my looks most of the time. If it's men, they see "ass" and if it's women " they tend to "hate" because that's what most women do is hate. However, I see me in both women and use this to my advantage.

Jackie had grace, presence (but in an "intelligent woman is in the room" type of way), she was a great mother, a strong wife, an advocate, an ICON, the bell of the ball and a stylista who had a sense of who she was long before she ever married John F. Kennedy (who by the way is my favorite President ever)!

Marilyn was sexy, enticing, the center of attention, a glamour girl, a sexpot, a movie star, a lost little girl who yearned for a father figure in most of the men she dated and in love with a man she knew would never be hers.

I think it is possible to have an even balance of both sides. However, I also believe that it is just as easy to get lost on one side because of the false pretenses and because of the yearning for "control." Whether it is of men, of a situation, of one's life, of anything....all we want is control.

Jackie was the perfect "woman" symbol we needed as the "President's wife." Or so we thought.

Marilyn was the perfect "sex" symbol who's looks could stop a room in its tracks merely by entering into it. Both women yearned for the others powers. Sometimes Marilyn wanted to be a Jackie and sometimes Jackie wanted to be a Marilyn. YET, they both shared many things in common (besides Jack/Robert) lol.

My point is that I guess I should be happy with my mind, my life, my body, my strength, all of it. I know I was dealt a bad hand with respect to my father and I didn't believe that it had affected me so much that it had made its way into my personal life BUT it did! I just have to accept that it happened and pray that it doesn't continue to mold me into a certain type of woman who allows men to mistreat her or take advantage of her. I suppose things happen for a reason. Flaws and all, I am me and I guess I am both a Marilyn and a Jackie! I can be a smart sexpot and a sometimes lost but always found little girl inside all at the same time! ;-)

M.