Pondering.....

May 2nd..........damn. This year has been going by SO fast that I can barely keep up. Same shit, new day. BUT I am def further than I was a year ago, and furthest from where I was two years ago. So. as I creep closer and closer to that BIG birthday, I find myself at a crossroad. Some days, I just want to crawl up in a hole and hide for the shame I feel that I have not accomplished one personal goal of mine that I set years back.....on other days I am MORE than happy for whom I've become and what I've accomplished thus far. I am NOT a rock, far from it, BUT I am not a cookie either, easy to crumble. I am just me and I have come to realize that THAT is more than enough and if it's not, then FUCK YOU, you are not worth my time.
I have so much to be thankful for yet remain selfish because I want more! Personal wants, professional wants....something for just ME. Is that too much to ask for?! Oh well, I want it. There I said it. I want HIM. I want that. I want those. I want this. There I said it. I

I want to be somewhere lying on a beach, no worries, no stresses, just me and him feeding off each other. Beautiful sunrise/sunset, ocean waves crashing, sun kissing my hair, and his hand on my face while whispering, "we're really here, we're back."
Damn, this heat has me trippin'.....keep it thug..no tears here.
Just 100....that is all for now.....
*eM

"Haunted"

"It's what you do, it's what you see,
I know if I'm haunting you, you must be haunting me
Oh well, reap what you sew....motherfucker."

Ooh, shame on my wicked tongue.....

*eM

Happy Birthday To the One That Got Away.....

I had something dropped off for you on your special day. Had I been a bit more ballsy, Iwould have walked it in myself. Yet I settled for sitting outside while the delivery was made. I wondered what your face looked like when you saw it. Did you notice my writing? Did you smile even if for a split second? Did you immediately rip open the card or stare at it for awhile pondering what I could possibly say?

Did you enjoy it? Did you share it with your co-workers? Did you throw it away? Who knows...who will ever know.

Happy Birthday to the only man I've ever truly loved.

To the only person I called my "best friend."

A Prayer....

"Lord if you hear me, you know that I’m coming to you sincerely, I need you near me, please feel me I’m sick and I need for you to heal me I’m lost and I’m looking for the real me, I’m tired and weary I haven’t been able to see things clearly and even though I know that you love me dearly I still get leery so where does that leave me? Lost and alone. Want to call God but it’s like I lost my phone everyday is a struggle as I juggle my problems need to let go and let God cus’ only he can solve em’. I’m tired of lying to myself thinking I can do it on my own but when I get left alone is when the Devil sneaks in, and creeps in, knocks on the door lightly, then peeks in and it’s usually around the weekend, that I get reckless and jump off the deep end

but keep your head to the sky......"

"Nutshell"

We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

Sigh...............

At 38, I find myself wondering....do I only want certain things because they are no longer within my near reach or have I always wanted them all along?

Guess I'll never know.

*eM

"You Lost Me...."

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won, now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And though we tried you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
And you'll regret it, but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me